Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.2. Only in America......are there handicap parking place s in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave vault doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe
the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER...?
Why A 20oz "Coca-Cola" Product cost $1.09 (+tax) inside Wal-Mart, when you can get one out of the Vending Machine outside for $1.00
even?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click .."?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods:
On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (as
opposed to "special" soap???)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,
it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
would n't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm
taking t his because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents
for this one.)
>On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Here's the Lil Bit Of Wisdom I promised
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we
would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . It's more
like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn
your rear tomorrow.
